Honesty.

Let me preface this by saying that while my post below was vague --this is MY outlet to bring out MY frustrations and feelings and while as my husband points out, it is in fact public (maybe time to change that?).

That being said, while I was in the shower this morning (usually the only time I am able to be alone here in the house of men) I thought about all of the other times that people have been open and honest with me and in their sharing of their feelings/vulnerability I have in fact felt like maybe everything will be in it's own sense "ok" or maybe I'm not such a bad person, or you know what, I'm not the only one who has ever felt this/thought that/been there...and it brought some peace.

One woman told me that her son had the worst colic ever and she stated that after that experience she could understand why people that have no support and no help or family shake their babies -- something I have always thought after 4 months of Tate having the worst acid reflux (the screaming...never ending screaming)...and in her saying something I have always felt like such an awful guilty mother for even understanding such an awful circumstance (I'm not condoning this people, but I can see where it starts from)...and in hearing her have the courage to utter the words...I felt like maybe I wasn't the worst mother ever for thinking that too.

In asking a group of women about being a stay at home mother or a working mother after the adoption (been and done both situations with the boys)...one mother said frankly - Whatever you do, whatever you decide, own it. DO NOT let other people make you feel guilty or 'bad' for a decision that you made. It's your family and you are doing what is best for you and your family not theirs. - and she was absolutely right. From her words and knowledge I found some strength.

So...now my post from yesterday...I guess if this even would help one other person...here it goes...

We have been working for what feels like forever (approx 7 months or so really) with Nate. He crawled before Nick ever did, walked before Nick ever did...but just like Nick his speech was significantly delayed. I didn't really think a whole lot about it only because we had taken Nick to get evaluated and while he was delayed, they told us what we needed to work on and over the summer before pre-school we saw significant improvement. Socially Nick was a bit delayed as well, but the one thing I will say about him and have said before - that boy wants to be friends with everyone!! Children he doesn't even know he wants to play with because hey - we could all be friends right? Why not? Great attitude. Well, with Nate it was a little different because through his inability to communicate came the extreme frustrations and tantrums (and who wouldn't if they didn't feel understood right?). In having him evaluated (because I thought we might as well get it done earlier if it would help) he was diagnosed (with what really isn't a diagnosis) being PDDNOS - Pervasive Development Delay Not Otherwise Specified. He had a hard time looking most people in the eye. He did not (and still doesn't always) feel comfortable in groups of people and if uncomfortable with one or many, he needs to distance himself from the group/the person and observe before feeling comfortable enough to join in.

For the past 3 months or so he has gone to a specialist who works him him each morning and we have also transitioned him to that same care group so he can continue associating with others his own age. This has gone SO INCREDIBLY WELL! He loves his teacher Lori...he loves his group and group 'mothers' (Miss Jenni) and he is learning so much more each day. Well, on the flip side of that we have had some issues with his coordinator who originally told us she felt that he was Autistic and only upon both her and the Autism specialist being in the same room with us did she back down and say that 1) he was still to young for that diagnosis and 2) that 'maybe' she had originally been pushing her own agenda which had brought on his responses of avoiding and disassociating with her (he still acts strange around her to this day). She is not the easiest person to deal with and likes to say the same words over and over (and quite frankly is not a specialist but likes to act as one). Her favorites word is "socially reciprocity" which annoys the crap out of me. We are aware of our sons personality which is why WE started this whole process...and you spending an hour or so with him every other week (if that) does not give you the right to say...well, some of the things that she has said...but that is not the point of this post, so I will leave it there. However some of the things she has said we are now hearing again...but not about Nate...

In the past 3 months we have seen Nate grow in his acceptance of new things (not always, but getting better) and of his verbiage and sentence structure. We are really happy with the way things have been going!

But back to my phone call the other day...

Our neighbor is the principle at Nicks school, so she had first called Brian about some of Nicks behavior...so I knew that this was coming. They feel that he doesn't understand what is being asked of him and they were unsure as to whether he just didn't hear the instructions or request or whether he just overall was simply not paying attention.

So when his teacher called me yesterday, I was expecting that...I was ready to discuss what she was trying to do with him in the classroom and what I would or could do with him at home to supplement his experience at school to make this easier for him and on her.

What I was not prepared for was to hear that she really felt like he was having a hard time with the social aspect of school and the transfer of knowledge that she sees/knows that he has (I took notes people...). She said that he seems to have a hard time with the generalization of things and while in the beginning of the school year he had a really hard time making eye contact. She said that this is getting better but he will never bring himself out in the sense that if he didn't get a paper that everyone else gets he will not raise his hand or let her know, he will just sit and wait...and wait...until maybe she notices. She said that when asked what his favorite Disney character was his response (even after hearing other children say their favorites) was "I don't know, maybe outside?" When asked what his brothers name is he has responded that he doesn't have a brother. When asked to put away his extra milk (and knowing where the fridge in his room is) he did nothing which prompted her to ask where his mommy asks that he put his milk away and he replied "maybe in the sink?" (which this one shocked me because I always tell him to put his milk in the fridge - but again goes back to not every fridge is our home fridge but they are all the same). So she wants to meet with us and also wants us to meet with their AEA rep to go over some things about Nick next week.

...and so it is starting again...only with Nick...and that freaks me out...and it makes me confused and angry and sad... That as both of them get older these "differences" will be so much more noticeable and how to deal with how that hurts them and how others hurt them because of it. And even more simply, what can we do to make these learning differences work for both of them.

So there it is...in a nutshell...and I hope it helps someone reading this (maybe)...

Feeling better...feeling determined...all because of sleep.

So after a good nights sleep I am no longer emotional...but more determined...whatever I need to do, I will do...

I didn't hurt either to be shown Nate's paperwork from his teacher at daycare from yesterday which said:

"Miss Jenny said yesterday @ 4:00 diapering they had just turned the music on, Nate was in diapering, wiggling around, Jenn said 'hold still', Nate said "I want to dance!"

Crack me up!! That's my boy!! Let's dance!!!

It also makes me so happy to hear more and more words and phrases come out of that little guy. Pronunciation will come later, but for now, I can understand him, he seems to understand that I am trying to hear his words the way he is saying it and is calmer...baby steps, that's all we can ask for!

***

Also cute story...Nick cracks me up and may just be as crazy as I am...here is our conversation last night...

(I was counting down from 20 to see how fast he could run and get his pj's and get back to his room to get dressed for bed)

N: Stop counting! I don't want you to count!
M: Why, because you don't want to hurry...or because it makes the big purple monster come out to play?
N: (crazy giggles)...oh mommy...the monster is green!

That child makes me laugh like no one else...except his Dad. Love you Quick Wit Jr.!!

Sad.Frustrated.Mad

I got a phone call this afternoon...while I was at work...a call I knew was coming...news I wasn't quite prepared to hear.

Tears. Frustration. Anger. Confused. Shocked. More Tears...more tears...and still more tears.

I'm angry...at myself (was it me, something I did/didn't do, why is this happening, when will this stop) angry at "the people" (back off of My children) and finally, yes, at God (why? seriously, it was hard enough thinking/dealing/hoping/praying with one, but the potential of both? this isn't fair, it isn't right!).

So I'm still frustrated. I'm still angry.

But not at God...because the minute I thought about how unfair for them, all the hurt and the pain and frustration that they will have to deal with that I will never be able to prepair them enough for...I remember that He had a son once too and it wasn't painless and easy for him either.

So I pray...for help, for grace, for the right words...because this is not going to go away and it is not going to get easier.

So I pray.

Poor Nicker

So today I was home with a sick Nicker...the flu...uhg. Started yesterday afternoon...hoping for just a 12 hr bug...back again at 4:30am. Poor guy.

You know, it's easier having a sick 5 year old rather than say, a 1 or 2 year old. You can tell them "Here's the bowl, lets not miss ok?" and they get that and there isn't the multiple changes of clothes.

But a 5 year old can look at you with the saddest eyes and say "My head just hurts so very bad" and you just want to make it all better and can't. Top that by "Please Mommy, just take me to the Dr." only to have to respond that he has a virus (we call them "ickies") in his tummy that just need to go away on their own and that medicine wouldn't work.

Poor Nicker

The happy side of today is that I got to spend the whole day with just him...and we both took a wonder 2+ hour nap...that part I loved.

Oh, and this is the candy plate that is on our table...about half full with me home for a full day. Tummy and thighs - your welcome.

Saturday

Saturday started off with me working, Nick had soccer practice and it snowed.

Yup, October 10th and the snow was falling...very hard to take.

All week long we had planned on taking the kids to go get their pumpkins and do the whole apples, hay rack ride, pumpkin picking experience...but with the snow (as my boss stated before I left work) we might as well pick up our Christmas tree at the same time!

Ugh - snow already!

Anyway, plans were adjusted to just "getting" the pumpkins after some lunch.

Look at the babies all bundled up already!

I love this picture!!
They had all of these beautiful mums by the biggest pumpkins I've ever seen and this cute little wagon...love it!!

Cute Nicker!

Nick & Jack (jack-o-lantern) He was so proud of the little guy he picked out!

Nate being goofy.

We had such a good day! Great lunch, great time with the family!

We also picked up some candy at this little store...spiced gumdrops...the minute I saw them I thought of Grandpa John and how he always used to buy them for us when we were kids. It was about a year ago today that he went Home...just thinkin' of ya' Grandpa.

Good Day. Good Memories...both past and present.

Oh so happy...

Yesterday was a good day...for multiple reasons, but let me just expound on one for right now...

So obviously saving for the adoption of our daughter is a priority right now - not something that is hard for me to do after all, I am a budget, follow my rule, accomplish my goal type gal, however I am also a home improvement, make it better, prettier, more organized type gal as well - and these two personalities do not always mesh well (save$/spend$).

A 'have to' right now was replacing the wood trim in the bathroom with tile - to keep it simple, tile does not mold, wood does, mold freaks me out. Now don't think that my bathroom is taken over by mold, but having found it in one spot alone makes me know that the fan/vent is not keeping up with the hot showers or that the molding wasn't sealed properly - regardless, it had to go. So in the meantime I start thinking about what ELSE I could do to make the bathroom better (the layout over all would need to be revamped -it's horrible- and that I definitely DO NOT have the money for)...one thing was the mirrors...

Right now we have two small mirrors above both of the sinks (one thing that is a blessing) and a smallish light fixture in the middle of the mirrors - so most of the light is shining in the middle of the space where there is no mirror - not so helpful. So I get the bright idea - lets either buy a bigger/longer light fixture ($$) or buy a bigger, singular mirror ($$$). Start looking online and find what I want at Lowes for approx. $151 - ouch!! Hmm...guess I'm just going to squash this one from the get go because I really don't want to spend that much on a frame less mirror. Hubby suggest calling Menards (local!) and seeing what they have to offer. One phone call later and I am in disbelief -$35!!! You got that right - $35!!!! I actually second guessed the girl on the phone who said "Yes Mame, they are on sale this week." WOOHOO! I can totally justify $35 dollars...but then I start to second guess again - something is wrong with it, this isn't a comparison to one from Lowes. Break the astonishing news to the Hubby who says - go check it out! "Now?" I asked. "Heck yeah, why not" he said. If I must, I must. So take off, visit Menards and sure enough, same thing.

This mirror is mine...and all for $35. I don't know what makes me happier - the fact that I was able to make the change I wanted too and for a very reasonable price, or the fact that I just saved $116 plus drive time and gas by making one phone call.

Sometimes those husbands are just so smart.

What a day...

So I love being late to work when my son tells me about 30 seconds before we leave the house that he needs to fill out a 6 question sheet on fire safety in regards to our home in order to get a prize from his teacher...this coming from the boy who when asked what he did that day responds "I don't know" or who he played with "I can't remember their names" but asked what he had for lunch and he can describe in detail what he ate and what was "too yucky for Nick"...Ahhh! So while I know for a fact that #1 Dad had already gone over all of this before I was home from work the other day, here I am running around the house with the big guy counting fire alarms and looking at escape routes - seriously!

I love it when when he throws a mini fit in the car because #1 Dad took a "short cut" to school the other day and now I'm driving the "wrong way" because I didn't. Seriously? Dad doesn't even bring him to school in the a.m. and I know for a fact that the "short cut" road goes around the school and not too the school. Such a fun way to start off the day.

I love it when I hear that Tate had a melt down while grocery shopping with said #1 Dad and was screaming the whole time and had to be held - yes my love, I have been there about a trillion times and don't really feel that sorry for you. Welcome to my life! Seriously!

I love it when I see myself in the Nicker who is bawling about having to go to bed - almost a full hour after his normal bedtime. To see him go from tears to laughter and back to tears is almost too much coming from a woman who when she is beyond tired does the same thing. Made a deal with the big guy that if he was awake in 10 minutes, I would come and get him and we would watch TV all night long - he doesn't stand a chance. I love it.

...what a day!

Time to check on the big boy...

...

Ha! Tired babies are sleeping fast...Mommy rocks!

Monday Night Football...and baking.

So last week Friday we all went to a benefit for a gal from church - trivia, cookie walks, raffles and a silent auction - lots of fun with family and friends and a really great cause that brought so many together.

Oddly enough, even though I don't like being in the kitchen I bid on a bowl of fall/harvest baking items - really I just loved the bowl it came in and the supplies inside were a bonus...well, I won, so it was mine and tonight while my boys are watching football, I am making them cookies and cupcakes and making them beautiful with all of the decor items I would never usually buy. So pretty!!

Go Vikings - beat those Packs!!!

(and family from WI. - I love you and please don't shun me for those words - haha!)

Makeovers & More!

So this weekend my mother and my aunt Janet were here to spend time with us. We started off our Saturday with a lot of talking, a ton of coffee and then some hair appointments for the two of them - time for a change!

Before...

After!!!

Beautiful Chicks!!

Thank you for coming to see us - we had a great time!!

And so it begins...

I saw this t-shirt online today...

...how true it is.

Warm or Have a Cold?

Daddy: (after hearing a bit of sniffling) "Nick, are you getting a cold?"

Nick: "No, I have sleeves on!" (a long sleeve shirt)

For a Hometown Girl

I received this email from my Aunt this morning...all for a hometown girl I remember...

This is a personal plea on my part. One of my co-workers, which many of you may know, Paula (Niccum) Johnson, has written and composed three Christian songs. She now has them available to listen to on either her website or you can purchase them on I-tunes.

Each song has its own sound, one is more rock/hip-hop, one is bluesy, and one is slow. If you would take the time to listen to them on her website and purchase them on I-tunes ($1 each) I would appreciate it! The more people that purchase the songs off I-Tunes the better chance she has of getting them played on the radio!!!!!!

Side note - Paula has been VERY ILL the past month or more. She currently is at MAYO and hopes to come home with answers as to what she might be sick from. Please keep her in your prayers as well.

If anyone reads this blog besides my own family (ha!) please say a prayer, and check out her music - each one is very different but wonderful in it's own right. "Last Goodbye" brought me to tears...

Not ok.

Heavy heart this past week...heavy heart and heavy mind...ugh.

Grace

For all the times I am reminded that I can't, I won't, I am not good enough, I will never follow through...

...there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

II Corinthians 12: 7-10

...in my weakness He is strong.

Not because of who I am.

Getting Creative!

This weekend in lurking through blogs of blogs of blogs I found many cool sites, but this one in particular. So with the hubby away, the wife will...sew? More like have fun cutting up t-shirts that I will never wear (pink?) and creating a cute scarf that has a bit more potential (still a bit more my mothers taste in color than my own - but pretty cool I must say)!

good night

Tonight has been a good night.

While I don't mind Brian being gone for work I'll be honest in saying that while he is gone, we either have good nights or bad nights - there is usually no in between. Either that or I have a behaving badly child #1 and behaving like a saint child #2 or visa versa.

But tonight...tonight was a good night. I never had to raise my voice, never had to ask more than once (even with the baby boy!!). We even had PTO tonight so Nate had to stick with me - with nothing to do but be close (which he loves) - in a room full of people (which he hates). He used his words and communicated quickly that he was getting overwhelmed, so to the back of the room we went, were I could hear and he could get some air - and all went well. We came home and had a quick drink (just milk for the boys!!) and it was time to chat and hit the hay. Again, no complaining, no back talk, just open ears and happiness all around. It even made my night when I was closing the door with my final "Love you guys!" and Nick says back "Love you to Mom!"

Yup, tonight was a good night.

Trying times.

Trying times I'm having - trying to be better, think better, do better and still be me (ah yes, my will or His will). Having conversations with Brian in regards to trust and why I don't - why that is so damaging to me and to relationships that I do or do not have and all the while me thinking that I really need to get this straight before my babies are old enough to realize this about their momma. Going back to my old self is easy - protect my thoughts and my feelings and my heart from those that might/will hurt me - and it's justified right? No one wants to get hurt. But in doing so, I'm not trusting and I'm not opening myself up to feel the pain, just pass it by, stuff it down, don't deal with it and let it get dusty in the corners of my mind.

Today I read this on a another blog...

“My heart is held in the hands that threw stars across the night sky. My heart is hidden beneath the shadow of wings that reach from eternity to eternity. My heart is mended by the Carpenter, pieced back together with the same nails that pinned Him between heaven and earth.
I’ve got to believe that He’s not going to let me be emptied.”
(Ali C.)

...and now I'm in tears (not good when I only have about 20min left of lunch). Ouch!

So now I have to ask myself...if I don't trust others...do I really even trust Him?

Do what you CAN...

...until you CAN do more.

I'm exhausted!

So, we are small group has started it's new study. Discussion upon beginning last week revolved around our body, spirit and soul and how our soul is "composed of our intellect, our will and our emotions" and I feel very strongly that my will is in a constant struggle will the will of God. Well in ready chapter 2 today, this is what they say, and it cuts right to the core of how I have been feeling...

"When you received Jesus as your Savior, your spirit came alive, began to assert its new life, and take its rightful place as head over your soul...and your body. Your body and soul, however, were accustomed to "running the show," and it wasn't long before they had pretty much overwhelmed your new life in the spirit, and resumed the drivers seat. When you pray in the morning, the busyness of your soul and body is quieted; your spirit has a chance to let you know he is there; and at this and other times, you get an inkling that deep inside you, the new life is very real. but as soon as the clamor of existence begins again, you automatically start to trust your soul and body rather than your spirit. You were so accustomed to living by your thoughts, feelings, and desires...and by the demands of your body, that you soon lost track of the voice of the newly living spirit deep within you. It would seem that something needs to happen to your soul and body before your spirit can gain stronger control."

Isn't that just nuts-on!

So after reading this an talking about it with Brian, I had to leave to run some errands, and what is the first song I hear? 'So Long Self' by Mercy Me - first time I had ever heard it and if that isn't just the cherry on top of the message (HELLO Holy Spirit!!).

So long, self
Well, it's been fun, but I have found somebody else
So long, self
There's just no room for two
So you are gonna have to move
So long, self
Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me, farewell
Oh well, goodbye, don't cry
So long, self

So let me be straight - I am trying - and it is exhausting fighting against ones own nature - but I am trying. I am owning up to my own excuses about my behavior and am going to start each day and be the person that God wants me to be. This is not and will not be easy, but I am trying...

me and my boy.