Amazing

So Brian and I are sitting in church last night and I will be honest - my mind was not on the sermon. Not focused on what the pastor was saying, but thinking about words that another man had said - a question I had been asked.

"Why is it that you don't trust Brian with your emotions?"

And in sitting in church trying to reason with my own mind I realized something else... Aside from trusting Brian, much less anyone else with my emotions, I am not trusting God.

Whoa.

Wasn't expecting that to pop into my head.

But the more I thought about it, the more true it was.

Not that I out rightly didn't trust God (Hello! It's God!), but that I had more trust in myself. I could always take care of myself. I could always do things on my own. I didn't need to rely on anyone.

This conversation in my mind went on for a while and for quite a bit longer...but after getting home and putting the boys to bed I figured that this was probably something that I should share with Brian. This conversation with him went on for a while - and it was good - good sharing, good conversation between the two of us.

So tonight, after supper, we read a couple of chapters from our small group book "A Quest For More" by Paul David Tripp...the first chapter being on Forgiveness...something that has been on my mind a lot these days. So I can't help but want to share...because it just hit me so deep...

Asking for forgiveness is so hard because of what it says about life and what it says about me. ... You cannot admit a wrong without being hit with the fact that there are bigger things in life that how you feel and how you feel about how you feel. You see, it's our sturdy allegiance to our own kingdom that makes us unwilling to confess that we have gotten in the way of Gods kingdom on earth. ... My allegiance to my own kingdom is deep in the DNA of my sinful nature, causing me to be self-centered, self-righteous, condemning, and impatient. In know what I want. I know what will make me happy. I have a vision for what my life could be like, and you are constantly getting in the way of the plans and purposes of my kingdom. ... Asking for forgiveness is hard because you have to admit to why you need it so frequently. It is hard because you have to face the fact that with all of your growth in grace, biblical literacy, ministry experience, and theological acumen, you still revert again and again to the pursuit of your own kingdom interests. ... Seeking forgiveness is always the result of having another kingdom in view. You are owning the fact that you were not made for you. Even though I have challenged his kingship and thought that I would make a better king, he has not rejected me or condemned me. Not, he has wrapped his forgiving arms around me and invited me to be part of something infinitely more beautiful than anything I would have ever chosen for myself. ... It's hard to ask for forgiveness because asking for forgiveness is war. ... This war is fought every day on the turf of my heart. But I do not fight this ware alone. The King, who has welcomed me into his better kingdom is a Warrior King who will continue to fight on my behalf until the last enemy is under his feet. ... He will not sit idly by and permit his kingdom children to live with a greater practical allegiance to the building of their own kingdoms. So he fights for the freedom of our souls. He battles for the control of our hearts. He works to liberate our desires and to focus our thoughts. And as he does this, he calls us to humbly confess that we really do love ourselves more than we love him and others. ... If his kingdom is ever to fully and completely come, it must be a kingdom of forgiveness where rebel citizens can be made right again and again and again.

How true...How amazing...that's all I can say...