Honesty.

Let me preface this by saying that while my post below was vague --this is MY outlet to bring out MY frustrations and feelings and while as my husband points out, it is in fact public (maybe time to change that?).

That being said, while I was in the shower this morning (usually the only time I am able to be alone here in the house of men) I thought about all of the other times that people have been open and honest with me and in their sharing of their feelings/vulnerability I have in fact felt like maybe everything will be in it's own sense "ok" or maybe I'm not such a bad person, or you know what, I'm not the only one who has ever felt this/thought that/been there...and it brought some peace.

One woman told me that her son had the worst colic ever and she stated that after that experience she could understand why people that have no support and no help or family shake their babies -- something I have always thought after 4 months of Tate having the worst acid reflux (the screaming...never ending screaming)...and in her saying something I have always felt like such an awful guilty mother for even understanding such an awful circumstance (I'm not condoning this people, but I can see where it starts from)...and in hearing her have the courage to utter the words...I felt like maybe I wasn't the worst mother ever for thinking that too.

In asking a group of women about being a stay at home mother or a working mother after the adoption (been and done both situations with the boys)...one mother said frankly - Whatever you do, whatever you decide, own it. DO NOT let other people make you feel guilty or 'bad' for a decision that you made. It's your family and you are doing what is best for you and your family not theirs. - and she was absolutely right. From her words and knowledge I found some strength.

So...now my post from yesterday...I guess if this even would help one other person...here it goes...

We have been working for what feels like forever (approx 7 months or so really) with Nate. He crawled before Nick ever did, walked before Nick ever did...but just like Nick his speech was significantly delayed. I didn't really think a whole lot about it only because we had taken Nick to get evaluated and while he was delayed, they told us what we needed to work on and over the summer before pre-school we saw significant improvement. Socially Nick was a bit delayed as well, but the one thing I will say about him and have said before - that boy wants to be friends with everyone!! Children he doesn't even know he wants to play with because hey - we could all be friends right? Why not? Great attitude. Well, with Nate it was a little different because through his inability to communicate came the extreme frustrations and tantrums (and who wouldn't if they didn't feel understood right?). In having him evaluated (because I thought we might as well get it done earlier if it would help) he was diagnosed (with what really isn't a diagnosis) being PDDNOS - Pervasive Development Delay Not Otherwise Specified. He had a hard time looking most people in the eye. He did not (and still doesn't always) feel comfortable in groups of people and if uncomfortable with one or many, he needs to distance himself from the group/the person and observe before feeling comfortable enough to join in.

For the past 3 months or so he has gone to a specialist who works him him each morning and we have also transitioned him to that same care group so he can continue associating with others his own age. This has gone SO INCREDIBLY WELL! He loves his teacher Lori...he loves his group and group 'mothers' (Miss Jenni) and he is learning so much more each day. Well, on the flip side of that we have had some issues with his coordinator who originally told us she felt that he was Autistic and only upon both her and the Autism specialist being in the same room with us did she back down and say that 1) he was still to young for that diagnosis and 2) that 'maybe' she had originally been pushing her own agenda which had brought on his responses of avoiding and disassociating with her (he still acts strange around her to this day). She is not the easiest person to deal with and likes to say the same words over and over (and quite frankly is not a specialist but likes to act as one). Her favorites word is "socially reciprocity" which annoys the crap out of me. We are aware of our sons personality which is why WE started this whole process...and you spending an hour or so with him every other week (if that) does not give you the right to say...well, some of the things that she has said...but that is not the point of this post, so I will leave it there. However some of the things she has said we are now hearing again...but not about Nate...

In the past 3 months we have seen Nate grow in his acceptance of new things (not always, but getting better) and of his verbiage and sentence structure. We are really happy with the way things have been going!

But back to my phone call the other day...

Our neighbor is the principle at Nicks school, so she had first called Brian about some of Nicks behavior...so I knew that this was coming. They feel that he doesn't understand what is being asked of him and they were unsure as to whether he just didn't hear the instructions or request or whether he just overall was simply not paying attention.

So when his teacher called me yesterday, I was expecting that...I was ready to discuss what she was trying to do with him in the classroom and what I would or could do with him at home to supplement his experience at school to make this easier for him and on her.

What I was not prepared for was to hear that she really felt like he was having a hard time with the social aspect of school and the transfer of knowledge that she sees/knows that he has (I took notes people...). She said that he seems to have a hard time with the generalization of things and while in the beginning of the school year he had a really hard time making eye contact. She said that this is getting better but he will never bring himself out in the sense that if he didn't get a paper that everyone else gets he will not raise his hand or let her know, he will just sit and wait...and wait...until maybe she notices. She said that when asked what his favorite Disney character was his response (even after hearing other children say their favorites) was "I don't know, maybe outside?" When asked what his brothers name is he has responded that he doesn't have a brother. When asked to put away his extra milk (and knowing where the fridge in his room is) he did nothing which prompted her to ask where his mommy asks that he put his milk away and he replied "maybe in the sink?" (which this one shocked me because I always tell him to put his milk in the fridge - but again goes back to not every fridge is our home fridge but they are all the same). So she wants to meet with us and also wants us to meet with their AEA rep to go over some things about Nick next week.

...and so it is starting again...only with Nick...and that freaks me out...and it makes me confused and angry and sad... That as both of them get older these "differences" will be so much more noticeable and how to deal with how that hurts them and how others hurt them because of it. And even more simply, what can we do to make these learning differences work for both of them.

So there it is...in a nutshell...and I hope it helps someone reading this (maybe)...