HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE READY TO BE A PARENT

MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Lego’s (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blind fold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend it from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal in the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Then just dump the contacts of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak the bag and sand thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more, and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set your alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years, while looking cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle using only scotch tab and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child or children. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training or child’s table manners. Make many suggestions as to how they can do things better. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild, scream, talk back and more…

…and enjoy this experience, because it will be the last time that you will have all the answers.